Navigating the Complex World of Sex Addiction: Balancing Your Public, Private, and Secret Selves

Recently, I had a fascinating counseling session with a client grappling with sex addiction. Initially, he would seize any private opportunity to engage in compulsive behavior.

After several months of therapy, he made progress in controlling his urges and developing coping mechanisms. However, his approach remained somewhat basic, driven by a fear of relapse.

In our sessions, we delved into the phenomenology of his acting-out behaviors, utilizing an existential approach. As he reflected on his past actions, he identified two distinct aspects of himself—the public and private self.

His public self represented the external persona he presented to the world— the loving husband, dedicated employee, and reliable friend. In stark contrast, his private self emerged when he was alone, indulging in what felt gratifying to him. This was where he engaged in sexual fantasies or activities, labeling this behavior as his "secret self."

The disparity between his secret self and public self was akin to Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, where the sensitive and kind exterior concealed unexpected sexual fantasies.

He realized that, over time, his addiction caused his secret self to dominate his private self, gradually encroaching on his public self. It became a cycle where enlarging his private self fed into his secret self, diminishing his public self.

This gradual takeover was likened to boiling a frog in water, where the frog is oblivious to the rising heat until it's too late. Early in recovery, clients often feared personal time, associating it with compulsive behavior. They filled their schedules with work, family, and friends, expanding their public self as a way to avoid acting out privately. While this approach offered short-term relief, overemphasizing the public self became exhausting, leading to a life lacking meaning and purpose.

Clients, fearing the fatigue of recovery, initially struggled to spend personal time without acting out. Re-learning what a healthy private life looks like became crucial. Many found it challenging to envision this new approach, as it had never existed in their world.

Therapy played a pivotal role in helping clients expand their private world, explore new meanings in life, and embrace different facets of themselves. The goal was to strike a balance that allowed for a meaningful private life without succumbing to addictive behaviors, fostering a healthier and more integrated sense of self.

Know that help is available

If you identify with article, know that help is available. Sex addiction can be managed. You can live a meaningful and purposeful life.

Insight Therapy Services provides counselling for Compulsive Sexual Behaviour Disorder (CSBD). We will examine your sex addiction. You learn deeper insights about your actions and yourself. You learn how to gain control over your life.

If you wish to book an initial consultation, visit this page.

For more queries, email me here.