Many Adult ADHDers struggle with shame consciously or unconsciously. They have been brought up in an invalidating environment where they are blamed, scolded and shamed for not performing up to expectations. Often, they are repeatedly called ‘lazy, unmotivated or weak’ by their parents, teachers and /or coaches. This repeated name calling has a subtle effect on the Adult ADHDers while growing up.

As they grow up, they realised that they are falling short of their potential - many underachieve in their career, got passed over for promotion, unable to perform mundane tasks and even find themselves  struggling to make sense of their crippling sense of self. They start to believe that they are ‘weak, unmotivated or lazy’. This belief triggers a sense of shame and embarrassment. They started to be ashamed of their lack of accomplishment. They became hyper sensitive towards criticism and perceived lack of achievement. Whenever they didn’t perform up to ‘standard’, whether objective or perceived standards, the inner critic starts shaming almost instantly. When shame attack resurfaces, the adult ADHDer frozen and is immobilised to take any action to get out of the shame attack.

Often when an Adult Adher goes through a shame cycle, it takes a while for them to recover. It can take hours, days, weeks or even months. During this process, the adult ADHErs feel paralysed, depressed or even unworthy. They struggle with self-esteem and self-worth. On the surface, they could be the happiest and cheerful person to interact with. Yet, on the inside, they feel numb, dead and depressed. The harder they resist the shame attack, the longer they stay in this shame cycle. Often with time, and progress of their achievement, they start to feel better and confident. However, deep inside, they know that this positive feeling is only temporary. All it takes is another failure or criticism to trigger another shame spiral.

Fearing having to undergo this emotional rollercoaster, many Adult ADHDers overcompensate by overworking and overdelivering. They are driven by anxiety and fear. They are unable to give themselves a rest day. They fear that if they rest, they might slack off and drop the ball. Unfortunately, because of this constant fear and anxiety to perform, adult ADHDer work themselves to a burnout. During the burnout, their body is forcing them to rest. They ended up dropping the ball and appear irresponsible. The irony is that this is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Overworking and overcompensation are indirect shame-based reactions.  Feeling worthless and lack of self esteem are directs experiences of a shame attack. We can trace back our behaviour due to shame. If we are able to accept the experience of shame it has on us, we can experience the freedom to act in spite of shame.

The freedom to act can be experienced through existential counselling by Insight Therapy Services. Alternatively, we can undergo EMDR therapy to reprocess our shame-based memory so that these memories do not hold a grip onto us.

If you find that this post relates to you, and you wish to receive some help, book an appointment with Insight Therapy Services.